Even In Death
by Prime's Little One
Summary: My first Shizaya! Izaya goes somewhere to think and be at peace, and remembers bits of his life leading up to this point. One-shot. Warnings: Um, I guess it's shounen-ai, not Yaoi; (non-descriptive) char death; cancer fic (vague on details, really). Genre: Angst, tragedy, romance. Ah, think that's it. Not sure what to rate this as, so just put T as it deals with death and stuff.


A/N: Okay, so… I know I haven't posted anything in a while, so to make up for it, I wrote this (although, I might need to write something else to make up for this… .) Anywho, Yeah. This isn't 'A Nutcracker Production', or even Yu-Gi-Oh! But I've been working on chapter 10 for a while, but I'm not satisfied. I have a huge case of writer's block, and not just for 'ANP', but anything I write. Add to the fact that I started 'ANP' without a proper outline beyond, "Oh hey, what if the cast, instead of being in the play 'The Nutcracker', actually _put on_ the play, 'The Nutcracker'? And it's Puzzleshipping, of course." So I've also been working on an actual plotline. Also, RL had a bit of a slap fest on me, and then decided to kick me when I was down, so… Ugh. Anyhow, I heard the song 'Even in Death' by Evanescence again, and then boom! This idea hit me. So I sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and… You get the picture. Now, this is going up raw, so if you spot any grammar or spelling mistakes, or something, please let me know. Also, please let me know what you think about this? I actually made myself cry writing this while listening to the Prompt!Song on repeat, so… Yeah. Reviews letting me know what you think would be awesome! Oh! And, this is my first complete Shizaya fic. I have others in the works, but writer's block is kicking my ass. D: Please let me know, and I'll do my best to update 'ANP' sometime soon! Edit: I noticed something when I went back over this. At the beginning, I said 'a year', then, at the end, I said six years. *Facepalm* Frick. So, I went back and changed one year to six years. If you notice anything else, please let me know.

~~~Shizaya~~~

Izaya sat on the cold ground with a sigh, setting the two bottles down in front of him. He raised his right hand and began to rub his left shoulder, soothing the slightly strained muscle. Ruby eyes glanced at the figure next to him, a soft smile tilting his lips up gently. "Sorry I'm late. They tried to delay me, and then they actually tried to stop me from coming. Can you believe it?" He gave a soft, disbelieving laugh at the thought. With another sigh, Izaya picked up one of the bottles, carefully pouring it out on the ground on the other side of the figure's head. Leaning back on one hand, the informant put the bottle down and picked up his own, sipping from it occasionally. It was quiet, peaceful; just like the other liked, and Izaya let the peace reign for a while, enjoying his sake and very carefully not thinking about anything. After about half an hour, Izaya stirred slightly and began talking again.

"I can't believe it's already been six years. It seems like it's been so much longer, and much shorter than that at the same time." He said before snorting quietly. "Maa, don't worry your stupid protozoan brain trying to figure that out, Shizu-chan. The concept of time is hard enough. Don't break what few working brain cells you have trying to wrap your thoughts around that." He grinned at the thought of the other's reply. "I don't know, Shizu-chan. That seems a little impossible right now, don't you think?" He giggled slightly before slamming back the last of his sake. Putting his bottle down on the rock above the figure's head, he moved their drink there as well before lying down next to them. Scooting closer and putting his head on their shoulder, Izaya closed his eyes and draped his arm over the other's flat stomach. Izaya snuggled up against the hard body next to him and continued speaking, keeping his eyes closed, imagining the expression on the other's face.

"Ne, Shizu-chan, do you mind me coming every day? Does it bother you?" His quiet voice trembled slightly, and he cleared his throat gently. "Well too bad, Shizu-chan. I'm still coming every day, even if you hate it. Especially because you hate it. After all, I live to piss you off~!" The cooing voice that he usually used to piss Shizuo off seemed forced. The informant remained quiet for a while, a small frown upon his lips. Turning so that he laid half on top of the other, he buried his face into the strong neck, hiding his own expression. "I'm sorry." He whispered quietly. "That was wrong of me. You wouldn't hate this, not for the reason I was implying. I know that. I know you, Shizu-chan, and I'm sorry for saying something like that, but I'm not sorry for coming every day." He stopped talking, swallowing the painful lump in his throat and clearing his voice.

"You know how I said they tried to stop me from coming?" He paused as if waiting for a reply, and when none came, he continued on. "They say it's unhealthy. That doing this – coming to see you every day – is unhealthy for me. That dwelling on this constantly will break me. Me! Ha!" Izaya barked a laugh, but it wasn't humorous. He was quiet for a moment before continuing, his voice soft, "They don't understand, Shizu-chan. They don't know – they don't know what it's like. What I feel. Without this I… Without this, it hurts. It gets so bad, Shizu-chan; it's agony. It's only gone when I come here. When I'm with you. You give me peace; peace from the pain, from the despair. I – I miss you, Shizu-chan." Izaya's voice broke off as he stifled a sob into the hard shoulder beneath him.

"It's boring without you. Everyone is so predictable, so boring. Not you. Never you. I could never say with one hundred percent accuracy what you would do. I used to think… I used to think that your reactions to me would be the one thing, but… But you went and shot that to hell, you stupid protozoan." He gave a watery chuckle as he thought back to how they'd gone from hated enemies, to somewhat friends, and then, finally, to lovers.

Izaya had received an anonymous phone call from a prepaid cell phone, and the person on the other end of the line had said that they had his sisters. The person had disguised their voice, so he didn't know who they were, but he hadn't believed them and said as much. When he heard the scream, though, he blanched as an icy hand gripped his heart. It had been Mairu's voice. The person had come back on the line and told Izaya that if he wanted them back in a relatively whole fashion, he should come to a certain address alone, and unarmed. Then they'd hung up. Izaya had stood rooted to the spot, phone held loosely to his ear as he listened to the dial tone. He didn't know how long he stood there before Shizuo had showed up, raging, and demanded he get out of Ikebukuro. When Izaya turned to look at him, Shizuo had actually dropped both the stop sign in his hand, and the cigarette in his mouth. (Shizuo had later told Izaya that he'd been so pale, he was shaking like a leaf, and his eyes had been so wide and terrified, that Shizuo had been shocked.)

The blonde brute had taken three long strides to Izaya and gathered the informant in his arms, one wrapped around the raven's mid-back while his right hand cradled the back of the informant's head, gently holding it to his chest. Izaya, while shocked, was simply too terrified for his sisters (whom he loved more than his life, even if he pretended otherwise), and let himself be held, burying his face into the soft white shirt and gripping the black vest with his empty hand, the other clutching his phone. When Shizuo asked him what was wrong in a completely, sincerely worried voice, Izaya resisted for a few minutes before giving in. He'd choked down sobs, only whimpering quietly as he told the taller man what he'd just found out, and when Shizuo calmed him, stating that they'd get his sisters back, Izaya was shocked for the second time in ten minutes.

He remembered asking why the blonde would help him, knowing that the other hated him, and could remember exactly what he'd said. "I may hate your behavior, Izaya, and at times, I may feel like I hate you,but I don't, really. I hate what you do and say, but… Somehow I just can't bring myself to hate _you_. Besides, those girls are innocent, and anyone that preys on innocent girls, and tortures them, and tortures their loved ones like they did you… They don't deserve to live freely. They need to be beaten, and thrown in jail. I won't tolerate that behavior. Not to those girls, and… not to you, Izaya." The raven had been shocked, but the fluttering in his chest had increased to a warmth that, while hot, was still soft and gentle. After that, Izaya had headed to the address unarmed, and seemingly alone, but with Shizuo tagging along in the shadows. After a bit of an evil monologue by the leader (whom was pathetic as hell, by the way), Shizuo had burst in and the two of them had beaten the shit out of everyone there. They had then picked up Mairu and Kururi and taken them to Shinra's to be checked out.

After that, the hostility between the two of them had cooled down a lot. They still ran all over Ikebukuro with Shizuo throwing things at Izaya, but now it was slightly less violent, and slightly more playful between them. And they could usually have a conversation before, or after the chase (although, one time they'd carried on a completely serious discussion even as Shizuo was raining vending machines on Izaya, whom was retaliating with knife slashes whenever he got close – the memory of which always made Izaya chuckle lightly). After that, the discussions got longer, the fights got shorter, and the time between the fights grew longer. Soon enough, they could be seen in one or the others apartment, eating Russia Sushi and watching a movie, bickering playfully about this or that.

Izaya came back to himself and smiled softly, carefully nuzzling his head against the hard shoulder he was lying on, pressing a chaste, loving kiss to the cold neck in front of his face. "Shizu-chan, I… I wish you were here. I wish you were with me again. I wish I could see you, hold you, be held by you. This…" He gestured vaguely to his lying on and against the figure, "This doesn't compare. It's not warm and comforting, like you. It's hard, and cold, and empty. But… but it's the only thing I have. That comes close. You're clothes… Our bed… They don't smell like you anymore. They don't hold your scent, your feel, your energy." Izaya sighed and turned to lay on his back, still flush against the hard figure beside him. Pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, he quickly pulled one out and lit it, inhaling as he put the pack and lighter back in his jacket pocket, next to his switchblade.

Izaya glanced over at the figure and smirked lightly. "What? So I've started smoking. And yes, your brand. Bite me." He blushed lightly before continuing. "I've switched shampoos, too, Shizu-chan – and don't you dare laugh at me! It's not exact, but – but it helps a bit." He took another drag on the cigarette before removing it, holding it comfortably in his left hand, the bright, cherry end illuminating a glint of gold on his ring finger. Sighing, Izaya tilted his head back, ignoring the discomfort of resting his head and neck on the stone arm, and looked up at the stars as he lost himself in his memories again, just as he did every time he was here.

Not too long after the blonde brute had helped Izaya (about six months, actually), they had discovered that they were attracted to each other, and after a minor drama-llama where-in they both thought that the other didn't feel the same, they had finally confessed to each other. Rather, Shizuo had come to Izaya's apartment as usual, and after two hours of nervous fidgeting, had blurted rather loudly that he liked the informant. Izaya always laughed as he remembered the exact words he'd been told.

Izaya had gone to make some more tea for them, and after putting the water on to heat, he'd turned around and the blonde had stood halfway between the living room and kitchen, a light blush on his cheeks. "IreallylikeyouIzayaandIunderstandifyouhatemenowbutIhadtotellyou." And then the blonde had stood there rigidly, head down and eyes shut tightly, face beet red, the tips of his ears pink, fists clenched tightly at his side, and waited for rejection. Izaya remembered frowning as he puzzled out the words that had been rushed together before blushing as red as Shizuo. He'd quietly walked over to Shizuo and tilted the blonde's head to the right angle and pulled him down as he rose on his tip-toes to place a gentle, loving kiss to the other's lips.

He remembered the shocked look on the blonde's face before he melted into the kiss, wrapping one arm around the raven's waist and bringing his other hand up to cup the back of Izaya's neck. The raven had sighed contently and closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle, loving kiss. The rest of the night had been spent cuddling and kissing chastely, and quietly discussing their relationship – what they were, where they wanted it to go and how fast. They'd spent months going on dates, and spending time together after work, talking and texting on the phone when they couldn't meet up in person.

A year after they started dating, Izaya came down with a bad case of pneumonia, and Shinra had given Shizuo meds for him, and instructions on how to care for him. Shizuo had carefully followed each instruction to the letter, staying over, and had even taken time off work to care for his beloved. Izaya remembered how Shizuo had taken his temperature every hour, and cooked him soup, and had even fed him! He remembered how loving and gentle Shizuo was, carefully wiping the sweat off his tired, aching limbs, picking him up and carrying him to lay on the and watch TV while the blonde changed the bedding, even cleaning up used tissues and vomit from when Izaya couldn't keep anything down. Plenty of times, Izaya had woken up to the feel of Shizuo's hand gently stroking his scalp, playing with his hair comfortingly.

Once, when Izaya's fever was really high, and he was curled up on the bed under two comforters and shaking nonstop, unable to get to sleep, Shizuo had lain beside him, wrapping his arms around the shivering raven, and begun to sing softly. His voice was low, a nice, rich baritone, and smooth as silk. He sang quietly, an old lullaby he'd later said his mother used to sing to him and Kasuka when they were sick. The blonde's voice and arms were so full of love and comfort, it didn't take long for Izaya to fall asleep, his head on Shizuo's chest, both hands clutching the other's shirt tightly. A week later, and Shinra pronounced Izaya better, but to keep hydrated and take it easy for another few days.

About two and a half years after that, Shizuo had proposed. They'd had their fair share of fights, verbal, and even physical, and had even taken a break once for a couple of weeks after a really serious fight, but they'd made it. They'd made it work, because they were in love with each other, and more importantly, they loved each other. They wanted what was best for the other, and if they weren't it, they'd step aside. Luckily, they knew that they were perfect for each other, so neither one tried to push the other away, while both fought to stay together, working out their problems and finding compromises when they couldn't agree. They still ran through Ikebukuro like maniacs all the time, but mostly, it was a game to them, like sparring. They loved to spar physically and verbally, it was a game to them, but when it became serious fights, they hated it, so worked hard to work through them.

Because Izaya's apartment was larger, and in a better area, Shizuo ended up moving in when they got married. Believe it or not, their wedding night was actually their first night together spent doing anything more serious than sleeping. Sure, they'd kissed, and made out, even done some heavy petting through their clothes, but they'd drawn a line at sex, wanting to wait for both of them to be ready. Well, when they were both ready, Shizuo had proposed, and so they decided to wait for them to be married. Not for any religious reasons, and neither cared about having sex outside of marriage, but they just thought that since they were engaged, and hadn't had sex yet, they'd make their marriage night even more special. That's not to say that they weren't extremely frustrated, and taking showers like crazy, though.

They had four years of married life. Four wonderful, loving, comforting, aggravating, irritating, frustrating, amazing years together, before it had crashed down in pieces. At age thirty-two, Shizuo Heiwajima had been diagnosed with lung cancer, and Izaya's world had crashed and burned. They'd fought it. Izaya had paid for the best treatments in the best hospital in Japan. He and Shizuo had stuck together through everything, through chemotherapy and radiotherapy, through pain – both physical and emotional -, through the weakness and sickness, and most importantly, through fear. A year after the diagnosis, the doctors had pronounced Shizuo to be in remission, and the two of them (along with their friends and family, of course) had been ecstatic. They were happy that Shizuo was okay, that he'd be okay now.

Unfortunately, two years later, Shizuo had had a relapse, and was back to having Chemo and Radio therapy; back to being weak, and sick, and easily bruised. They were all back to being afraid again. This time, though, things weren't as easy. They couldn't use the platinum-based drugs for the Chemotherapy this time, so had to use the less effective chemotherapeutic drugs with the Radiotherapy. And it seemed that this time, the cancer wasn't being stopped as easily. It had taken much longer for any effect to be seen, and even then, it was such a small improvement, that the doctors had been concerned that the treatment wouldn't put the cancer back into remission.

After another two years of fighting the cancer, it had grown so bad, that the doctors had gone from a curative therapy regime, to a palliative regime. They couldn't cure it, or even put it in remission, so they had focused on treating the pain. At that point, they had all begun to realize that this time, Shizuo might not beat it. That he might succumb to lung cancer. The thought had nearly destroyed Izaya. He had refused to believe it, adamantly stating that Shizuo would get better, that they would beat it back into submission, and that the blonde brute he loved would live. Shizuo had continued to fight, but had updated his will and soothed his little raven every time Izaya would cry.

At one point, nearly three years after the relapse, Shizuo had sat down with Izaya and calmly spoken to him, telling the informant how much he loved him, and that he'd never leave him; that he couldn't leave him. Izaya had broken down, crying and sobbing about how much he wanted Shizuo to stay there with him, to live with him until they both died of old age. The blonde had explained that even after death, he'd love his husband, and become his guardian angel, watching over him forever until the time they were reunited. He gently cradled Izaya to his chest, both of them being careful not to bruise the taller man. Not two months later, Shizuo Heiwajima, age thirty-eight, died of lung cancer, taking Izaya's heart and soul with him.

His words, the words he'd whispered gently to him every day after that, rang through Izaya's mind, his chest aching at the sound of Shizuo's quiet, breathy voice. _"I love you, Izaya. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing __**can**__ ever change that. Even in death, I will love you. I will watch over you, be at your side. I can't leave you, so I will protect you; surround you in my love every day for the rest of your life. Even if you can't feel it – feel me – I will be there. I will love you. More than anything, I will love you."_ Staring at the stars above him, Izaya didn't bother to at wipe the tears dripping off his face. He laid there and let them flow, the dull, all-encompassing _ache _in his chest overwhelming everything else.

Shinra and Celty had been a great help with the funeral, along with Kasuka, Mairu, and Kururi. They'd done most of the arranging, coming to Izaya only to get the final okay on everything. When it came to the tombstone, however, Izaya had taken charge. He'd ordered a double plot in Ikebukuro Cemetery, and had a lovely, double headstone created. It was elegant and strong, and peaceful, and had Shizuo's name, birthday, and date of death on one side, along with a picture and a single sentence; "Loving, gentle, and kind: He was strongest because of his heart, not his strength." On the other side was Izaya's information; name, birthday (his death date was left blank so far), and a picture of the two of them sleeping. Shizuo was on his back, and Izaya was laying half on top of him, using his shoulder and chest as a pillow. Shizuo's left arm was under flat to the side, while his right hand clasped Izaya's left, which was resting on the blonde's stomach. Both had small, content smiles on their lips. Beneath the headstone was a marble statue of Shizuo, in much the same position. Only, instead of a marble Izaya cuddled up to him, there was a flesh and blood one, eyes red and puffy as he cried silently to himself.

Izaya had already paid to have his death date engraved whenever he died, and he'd fully paid off Shizuo's funeral, as well as paid for his own. No matter what, he was going to rest beside his love forever. He knew Shinra and Celty would make sure his will was carried out. But until then, he came every day to rest beside his lover, curling up to the marble Shizuo as he used to curl up to the real one. He'd bring a drink for each of them (not milk, poor Shizu-chan, but crème de menthe, which was also sweet, and wouldn't hurt the grass), and talk for a while, then get lost in memories for hours. Sometimes, he'd even fall asleep right there, but only for a few hours. He always woke up before the Caretaker came, but he didn't leave. The man was nice, and let Izaya come whenever he wanted out of sympathy for his loss.

Izaya blinked and rolled over, curling up against the marble figure again. "God, Shizu-chan… I miss you. Please… Please… I want to come home. I want to come home to you again." He cried, his voice breaking as his breathing hitched. It was cold, but nothing he wasn't used to. He'd been doing this for six years already, and he was dressed warmly, using both his jacket, and Shizuo's coat. Izaya cried for a while before calming, lying against the marble Shizuo with his eyes closed as he thought about his Shizu-chan. After a few hours, he was tired, and so Izaya fell into a restless sleep, mumbling softly just before he fell asleep, "Love you, Shizu-chan." Just as he did every single time.

Sighing sadly, Shinra looked at the grave in front of him. With a gentle smile tinged with sadness, he quietly stepped forward and poured a bottle of crème de menthe on the ground by the marble Shizuo's head. Closing his eyes in a mixture of regret and sorrow, he walked around, and poured the bottle of sake on the ground by the marble figure of Izaya. On the sixth anniversary of Shizuo's death, Izaya had come alone and fallen asleep against his lover's figure. In the morning, when the caretaker came, he had found two empty bottles, and Izaya, lying against the marble Shizuo. Upon trying to gently wake the informant, the old caretaker had discovered that Izaya had died in his sleep, a loving smile on his lips. He looked happy for once in six years. The coroner had reported that it was a natural death – Izaya had simply died in his sleep, no foul play, no hypothermia, just a natural death – and so the funeral had gone as Izaya had planed. The marble rendering of Izaya, however, was Kasuka's tribute to the man his brother had loved, and the man whom had loved his brother with everything he was. Shinra knelt to pray, hoping that the two were together and happy now. As he stood to leave, he read the inscription Izaya had ordered for his headstone. "I love him. He is my everything. My husband, my love, my heart and soul. Nothing will change that; nothing _can_ change that. Even in death, our love goes on." Below that, was an inscription that Kasuka had paid to have inscribed, knowing his brother would approve. "Their love was strong, all-encompassing. Nothing was greater than their love; Not even death."


End file.
